Question from an Indian guy living in the US:
I’m 30, South-Indian male. I like this Hispanic-American girl. We’re good friends and I suspect both of us wanted to take our relationship a notch higher, but I held back, fearing she wouldn’t be a perfect Indian daughter-in-law for my old-fashioned parents. I still think about her. Should I have an arranged marriage?
Akka's reply:
Dear B,
I know as Indians, we typically try to take decisions that will make everybody happy, but the truth is – you’re not throwing a dinner or a party here. You’re thinking about a life-changing decision that will largely impact your happiness, sense of fulfillment, contentment, etc, in the future…for, hopefully, a lifetime.
How sure are you that only a traditional Indian girl will work in this equation? I guess you'll have to ask yourself if culture and tradition matter all that much to you.
If you really liked this Hispanic girl and are confident your friendship can grow into romance and love…don’t you think a Hispanic daughter-in-law would be just as respectful and loving to your parents as much an Indian girl would? My point is, when you really love someone, religion, race, even culture or language does not matter that much. One would be willing to compromise because your relationship is built on friendship and trust, and there is NO WAY either of you would want to shake something that is too good to lose.
How certain can you be that a traditional Indian girl will be respectful or loving towards your parents? Not all of them are. I know many desi women who are constantly dishing the dirt about their in-laws while acting very sweet around them. I feel quite sorry for the parents-in-law, especially if they are simple folk. And guess what, many of these women really don’t need all that much to trigger off a round of politics. Be nice to them and they’ll still bitch about you, just because to them, you’re from the ‘enemy’ camp.
All this makes me wonder exactly what foundations their arranged marriages are built on…A yucky mix of duty, convention, superficiality, politics, appearances, not to mention religion…many of these women can be self-righteous pains…do you really want to spend a lifetime with that sort of girl? Or the girl who takes a jump into the unknown with you, simply because you both share a beautiful friendship?
In my twenties, I sincerely believed culture, religion, convention, traditions, expectations, and all that BS mattered because – to be honest – it was part of my brainwashing as a protected Indian Muslim ‘convent-educated’ schoolgirl (however radical I might’ve been…not very much, it is clear now…but of course, as the eldest child, I always wanted to please…it’s a habit).
Today, in my thirties, I believe love and friendship in a marriage can bridge most cultural/religious/language gaps. If the friendship is strong, then one doesn’t need to seek the externally familiar because you have already found it in one another. Love for one another’s families will naturally follow. I think this is all the more true today, because of our globalized world…all of us are starting to get more educated and comfortable with other cultures, and are starting to realize how much more we have in common than not.
And who cares about the perfect daughter-in-law anyway? There’s no such thing as the perfect person. There are only constructs. Find your own perfect person, B. If she’s the Hispanic girl, or if she is Indian, then that’s who it will be. Only you and she can decide.
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